Discovery

In this great big world in which we call home, we can't help but wonder, just what it is we're here for. When you soak in the awesomeness of God you have to wonder why on earth He would need us. I mean when you think about it, mankind has been kind of a big headache since Adam and Eve ate that apple. All of God's great plans for us went out the garden so to speak. Then many years later He tried to "fix" it by wiping the earth clean save for Noah and his family and start over. Well, we all know how well that went, idolatry, murder, adultery, you name it. Oh there were those that worshiped God, but the world was just enveloped in sin once again. I hate to think how much livestock and doves I'd had to have had just to keep up with all the sacrifices I'd have to do to make amends for my sins. Some where along the lines you have to wonder if God didn't go, "good grief, why did I make these humans, they cause Me so much pain and grief". Then on top of all the pain and grief we've caused Him, He decides the only way that we're ever going to be able to come into His glory is if He sends His only Son to die for all of us sinners. Can you imagine, had Adam and Eve never taken a bite of that apple, Jesus wouldn't have had to come down from His glorious thrown to be nailed upon a cross for something He didn't do.

This just goes to show that God is much more than we can possibly ever understand. He continues to love us and forgive us even though we continue to sin and fall short each and every day.

Why discover? Because today I'm working on a piece of art I'm going to call "Beautiful". It's a piece of self discovery, and in using this to help me discover who I am to ME, I'm also struggling with just who I am to God. As you can see by the comments above I'm struggling to see just how or why God would want to take the time for me, when I am a sinner, just what is it about ME that makes God think I'm worth saving.

Please don't feel the need to leave me "pep talk" comments, I'm okay, just trying to .... Discover....

Relationship

I wonder how our earthly relationships would survive if every time we talked to our friends, we either only thanked them for something they've done for us, or asked them to do something for us. I imagine they wouldn't be long lasting friendships.

I know that I am guilty of doing that with my relationship with God. I start most every prayer with, thank you's, the meat of my prayer is asking for things either for myself or loved ones, and ends with a few praises and maybe another thank you or two.

Now it's not to say that God doesn't want the thank you's and the requests for help, but He wants more than that. This morning our sermon was about having a relationship with Him. Coming to him to just tell him about our day, our problems our joys and including him in our life. So often we come to him looking for a solutions to our problems, when what we should be doing is just telling him about them and letting the solution come when it does.

Often, I just need someone to listen, I don't necessarily want someone to give me their advice on how to "fix it". I usually call my sister for this, and I fully intend on still calling her for that, but I think I'll take it to God as well.

Struggling

It's been a long time, not that I haven't thought about it, because I have, but because I wasn't sure how to put into words what I have been feeling, until listening to our sermon this morning at church.

I've resigned myself to the fact that I have some seasonal depression, and while going through that, facing a blog is the last thing I wanted to do. I've been able to work though it all with the help of some medication and Psalm 23. I cannot even tell you how many times a day I've recited that Psalm as I was waiting for my meds to kick in and help me with the darkness. Now by the grace of God and my doctor I have gotten over that hurdle. The depression though, was the beginning of some inner searching though. At one point during my illness I even told God, I know You are there, and I thank You, but I don't want to talk to You. The awesome thing about our God though, is He was patient and kind and loving with me and He waited. He waited till I was ready to talk again. I was reminded of the poem "Footprints in the Sand" where I know that at that time, there was only 1 set of footprints because I could feel Him carry me.

However, in the shuffle of all of that I've run into some other things that have taken me off guard and I'm terrified of it even though I know it's the right thing to do and that God will be there with us through all things. I'm ashamed to say that I don't know if I CAN do this. I think the fact that I shut the doors to Him during my depression may have been the beginning of what brought all of this to light.

I pray, I listen to my Bible on my IPod and podcast sermons almost daily, I go to church every Sunday, I lead a Bible study on Wednesday mornings and Jerry and I go to a Bible study together on Thursday nights. I listen to Christian music almost exclusively, and I believe that Jesus Christ died on the cross for my sins. These are all good things, these are all RIGHT things, yet I have fallen SOOO short of what God wants for me in my life. I have not surrendered my life to Him. The true thought of what that might actually entail keeps me awake at night. Do I think that in the long run, things will be better than ever, of course. It's the journey of getting there that makes me physically ill. It all boils down to not having enough faith, and not trusting in God enough and truly it's the fear that keeps me from doing this.

This week at Church our Pastor asked us 4 questions:

1. What am I doing right now that God has asked me to do?
2. When is the last time I asked God what He would like me to do?
3. List the specific areas of my life which I have surrendered to God.
4. List the specific areas of my life which should be on the list above, but are not.

Suffice it to say, I left church in tears this morning, knowing that questions 1-3 were virtually empty, and #4 had a list longer than I care to imagine.

I know that I'm not alone in this fear, my husband also struggles with this. I think that in the next few weeks as our Pastor touches on the life of David that we may at least begin to pray about God helping us through our fear and lack of faith.

I know that God has great things in store for us, and hopefully one day we will see it. In the mean time, if you feel moved to do so, please keep us in your prayers.