Struggling

It's been a long time, not that I haven't thought about it, because I have, but because I wasn't sure how to put into words what I have been feeling, until listening to our sermon this morning at church.

I've resigned myself to the fact that I have some seasonal depression, and while going through that, facing a blog is the last thing I wanted to do. I've been able to work though it all with the help of some medication and Psalm 23. I cannot even tell you how many times a day I've recited that Psalm as I was waiting for my meds to kick in and help me with the darkness. Now by the grace of God and my doctor I have gotten over that hurdle. The depression though, was the beginning of some inner searching though. At one point during my illness I even told God, I know You are there, and I thank You, but I don't want to talk to You. The awesome thing about our God though, is He was patient and kind and loving with me and He waited. He waited till I was ready to talk again. I was reminded of the poem "Footprints in the Sand" where I know that at that time, there was only 1 set of footprints because I could feel Him carry me.

However, in the shuffle of all of that I've run into some other things that have taken me off guard and I'm terrified of it even though I know it's the right thing to do and that God will be there with us through all things. I'm ashamed to say that I don't know if I CAN do this. I think the fact that I shut the doors to Him during my depression may have been the beginning of what brought all of this to light.

I pray, I listen to my Bible on my IPod and podcast sermons almost daily, I go to church every Sunday, I lead a Bible study on Wednesday mornings and Jerry and I go to a Bible study together on Thursday nights. I listen to Christian music almost exclusively, and I believe that Jesus Christ died on the cross for my sins. These are all good things, these are all RIGHT things, yet I have fallen SOOO short of what God wants for me in my life. I have not surrendered my life to Him. The true thought of what that might actually entail keeps me awake at night. Do I think that in the long run, things will be better than ever, of course. It's the journey of getting there that makes me physically ill. It all boils down to not having enough faith, and not trusting in God enough and truly it's the fear that keeps me from doing this.

This week at Church our Pastor asked us 4 questions:

1. What am I doing right now that God has asked me to do?
2. When is the last time I asked God what He would like me to do?
3. List the specific areas of my life which I have surrendered to God.
4. List the specific areas of my life which should be on the list above, but are not.

Suffice it to say, I left church in tears this morning, knowing that questions 1-3 were virtually empty, and #4 had a list longer than I care to imagine.

I know that I'm not alone in this fear, my husband also struggles with this. I think that in the next few weeks as our Pastor touches on the life of David that we may at least begin to pray about God helping us through our fear and lack of faith.

I know that God has great things in store for us, and hopefully one day we will see it. In the mean time, if you feel moved to do so, please keep us in your prayers.